Internalized Misogyny

Thank you, meme-ified protestors.
(If you own this, please email me).

Talking about misogyny. It feels like nothing changes. Everyone knows that misogyny is bad, yet grown-ass "men" go to Comic Con, stage a fake interview with a cosplayer, and attempt to intimidate and humiliate her into revealing her cup size. Something isn't getting through.

However, I was glad to see the above article, not because there are still misogynists, but because she spoke up. Because I hate being tongue-tied. The other month, I had a guy look me in the eye and tell me, "Of course you're the one who sucks at Halo. You own a vagina."

Troll in the Dungeon!

(image by Patrick via Wikimedia)

As the under-appreciated freeze instinct (cousin of flight and fight) kicked in, I just stared and let him walk away. I wondered if I was overreacting. "Of course he was joking, right?" I think that's the main problem. We assume that there isn't intentional misogyny, so we give the speaker the benefit of the doubt. The target's womanly hysterical feelings be damned.

Meanwhile, it feels like anyone willing to take on the topic is met with violent hatred. Why even talk about something like misogyny if you're going to be rewarded with threats, slurs, and worse? Because even if you stay silent, you'll still have to deal with all the same threats, slurs, and worse. But most importantly, it's because the trolls you're addressing are not your target audience.

Why Bother?

You'll never win over a troll, but that's ok. If you can tolerate my hyperbolic rhetoric for a moment, I'd like to explain how watching the troll/counter-troll fallout of others helped me. Because I can't kick off this article series with lies and hypocrisy, I have a confession:

For years, I had no idea that I was a misogynist.

I could blame shift and go on about the myriad problems which conspired to corrupt my reason. But in the end, we are not our childhoods. I genuinely thought that I was one of the few girls who could fit in as one of the guys because I wasn't manipulative, bitchy, or pure evil, like "all the other girls." I never felt the need to have or keep girl friends, because I felt awkward and uncomfortable around them. 

I still have a lot of socially awkward
penguin moments in all-girl groups.

I hid my discomfort as the word "rape" climbed in popularity with the WoW PVP crowd, right as my abusive relationship was hitting its terrifying crescendo. I didn't want to be a drama queen, so it was all happening unbeknownst to my friends. I tried to convince myself that I shouldn't be uncomfortable, now let me joke about how I should be making you a sandwich instead of talking about my feelings.


I truly thought that I was a feminist. I didn't hate women! I just kinda thought they were useless and manipulative, and I wouldn't trust one farther than I could throw my car. Then, I started joining in flame wars against obvious trolls like the ones who go on rape forums and advocate suicide. At first it was to blow off steam, but soon I was skipping over the images of cats and Zelda in favor of listening to the dialogues in the small, safer spaces online.

Tipping Point

Eventually, I started listening to my co-counter-trolls, who were often far more eloquent than I. The ones who, instead of just throwing around cliches, were assuming the speaker was ignorant rather than malicious. As such, they went in with the intention of spreading awareness.

As a quick example, a group of users who had self-identified as men were heckling a woman who said that the hateful language in multiplayer voice chat made her uncomfortable. The men admitted to having been called niggers, jews, whores, and worse, and that they just took it in stride as normal shit-talking. The men could treat the language as just part of the game, slurs were no less hurtful than if they'd been programmed in as swear-filled NPCs. 

Another user spoke up in the woman's defense, and asked the men if they ever felt that their physical safety had been threatened from communication in a game. Many reiterated that it was just a game, so of course not. The user directed them to /r/creepyPMs, a subreddit where users upload captions of everything from "I just want to snuggle and breathe across your thighs" and "would you fuck me if I got you really drunk?" to "Is this a picture of your dorm?" The sub has hundreds of posts and over 15k subscribers. Yes, there are examples of chick creepers, but the majority of posts are by women who feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

I become furious when people claim the problem is
women who just don't know how to take a joke.
(image posted by reddithatesthegals)

The real reason I'm "bad at" Halo is because I have no desire to subject myself again to the cesspool that is multiplayer voice chat. I'm a walking statistic about how misogyny actively drives women out of the video gaming community. Xbox Live is like a bad neighborhood that people judge women for walking in too late at night. If I go and get harassed, everyone says that's just what Live is like. Then when I admit that the only online multiplayer game I'll touch is Journey, the response is "Lulz, you're a shitty casual gamer, but you can't help it. You just suck because you're a chick."

Frustratingly, I do still freeze when I hear comments like that, but I'm slowly picking up the vocabulary to help craft replies. Gathering up terms like "internalized misogyny" or even just hearing someone else say, "wow, that was offensive," help legitimize what I'm feeling. It keeps me from feeling ashamed for being hurt by someone else's inappropriate comments.

Conclusion

After a few months reading up on misogyny, I've managed to resensitize myself. When I heard about the cosplayer being harassed at Comic Con, I didn't jump to judge her for dressing in a revealing costume. I envisioned how terrified I would have been if I were surrounded by jeering men, cameras rolling, wondering if they were oblivious to my humiliation or intentionally eliciting it. Steeping myself in feminist discourse on the subject has helped me regain a sense of empathy.

You've almost made it through the end.
Have a kitty. (image by Mark Probst)

Here's a very incomplete list of the articles I've been reading:

• Here's Mandy's Tumblr story about NYCC.
• Before you hate on mythical "fake geek girls," please read this.
• Please stop insisting that girls have to suck it up or leave.
• Yes, we do need to keep trying, even if it means feeding trolls.
• Find catharsis and solidarity at Fat, Ugly, or Slutty.
• Why you should care that "creepers" make women feel unsafe.
• Can mods be better stewards against misogyny?

To other feminists, I'm sorry to ask for help educating. Every time you mention women online, you should not have to have the burden of educating others. But if you can stick it out for a few educational comments, you can help change minds. You won't win the trolls, but you might help others out there like me who just don't get it.

Feel like this is a waste of time? I really believe that people can change. Matt Inman is one example. He posted a comic of a woman sucking at video games and being showered with praise in chat. The backlash was swift and impressive, but Inman proved that despite appearances, he is classy as all fuck:

Lastly, apologies on the internet mean about as much as farts do in outer space. So I went ahead and donated $1,000 to the Women Against Abuse foundation. 

Hugs and asspickles to you too, Mr. Inman.

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This article is part of Minority in Geek Culture, our collaborative, year-long series of articles about the problem of gender discrimination in our subculture. If you have stories about how Xbox Live Chat isn't as bad as all that, if you have anecdotes about a creepy PM, or any other opinions and experiences with discrimination/harassment/misogyny/etc, we here at DC Geeks want to talk to you! Please leave a comment or email us.