Bonus Content! I wanna be a spaceman.

As you may have heard, NASA is advertising for Astronauts on Cragislist of all places (and USAjobs). I decided to apply. And since a friend threw my cover letter up on Reddit just before Reddit went dark for the SOPA protest, I may as well share it in all its glory, with you folks.

Teresa Gomez

NASA’s Resume Operations Center

Mailstop HS50

Marshall Space Flight Center, AL 35812

January 16, 2011

Re: Astronaut Candidate/American Hero

Announcement Number: JS12A0001

Dear Ms. Gomez:

We are a race of explorers. The quest into the unknown has yielded untold human and scientific achievements. I truly believe the path to world peace will be forged in the exploration of the stars. That is why I believe there is no higher or more noble calling than that of astronaut. I realize that none of my 10 years in higher education are in the hard sciences this position calls for. But surely, space needs poets, philosophers, and lawyers. I am all these things and I am prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to play my part helping man reach beyond our earthly tethers and to touch the face of God.

Before dismissing my application, please consider the following.

(1) I would be a great educator. My mother earned her PhD. in botany in the early 70s and instilled in me a deep love of science. I can help communicate NASA’s message that great scientific achievements are not restricted by race or age. Human achievement knows no gender or sexual orientation.

(2) I attended Euro-Spacecamp. It was an intensive 2 week training program that shaped my young mind and body to be an astronaut. When you consider I was 9 years old at the time, you might even say I was born to be an astronaut. Sure, my report might read “became nauseated during the Aerotrim and didn’t feel better for 3 days,” but it was the Belgians who were running the program. They’ve always been jealous of America’s fine astronaut specimens.

(3) I lived extensively abroad and studied more than 12 credit hours of international law in law school. As you no doubt already know, most aero-space law is governed by international agreements of which I am already familiar. In our litigious modern era, isn’t it irresponsible not to include a lawyer on every-space flight in order to shield NASA and the US Government against liability? You know the Russians who we are catching rides to Space with have got their legal team all over it.

(4) In the event that we must sacrifice our lives to destroy a meteor on a collision course with Earth, traveling with velocity sufficient to cause an extinction level event, no one is going to miss the lawyer who dies nobly saving the planet. People hate lawyers. So its win/win from a PR standpoint.

(5) I passed the bar exam. I am really quite intelligent and can memorize trivial information quite easily. I expect I can acquire a bachelor’s degree worth of science education in the roughly 50 minutes it takes a human occupied space craft to reach sub-orbital altitude. Also, I just researched that fact. Lawyers are great researchers. Part of NASA’s mission is research.

(6) My cousin, [Redacted], worked at the NASA Langely Research Center as a USRP Intern. If you can trust one of us, you can trust all of us!

(7) Finally, as an astronaut, I would make a great poster for 16 year old girl’s bedroom walls. Move over Justin Bieber, it’s time for science achievement to return to its rightful place at the center of our pop culture.

Sincerely,

Jeffrey A. Bartlett, Esq.

(Future) American Hero.